Dutch Gap

Hard to believe 1 month ago Hurricane Irene was beginning to blow in, which would set off the horrible chain of events.....

We all miss you so much Carrie... I know you wouldn't want us to cry. If you were here, you'd hand us a beer and tell us a funny story to get us to laugh. We are trying to be strong, trying to get through this process so we can laugh with you. But it's going to take time. But how much time? THAT is the question.....

And the questions just keep coming, but no one is answering... WHY??? Why did this happen? Why why why...... I am trying so desperately to find the answer to this so I can move on. But I guess I just need to accept that there is no answer. At least one that I can accept.

We are trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to adjust to this new life without our "sister". Some days are good and some days are bad. I still find myself watching for your car to pull into the driveway so I can come over and talk.

I am not only mourning the loss of a friend, but the loss of the life that "should have been" but will never be. I think about all the plans we had for the future. Everything we were going to do together. All the stories and laughs I will miss out on. We will never again go to the Chesterfield Berry Farm for Halloween. Lauryn will not be there at the clubhouse this year to encourage Devan to come and play. You will never get to finish planning my baby shower. You were the most excited out of everyone to plan it. Lauryn and Devan will never get to compare Christmas presents. And who's going to host the New Year Eve party this year? And what about all the mud runs next year we were going to do together? The 5K mud run, the Dauber Dash, the Zombie Run. You will never be there when we have our neighborhood block parties. Lauryn will never get to show Devan how to ride a big kid bike. Or how to get your face wet at the river.

Every event will be hard. Will the Stockleigh family come together and be stronger? Or will we grow apart? You were the glue that held us together. The one that was constantly pushing and organizing events for all of us.

This has made me re-evaluate life. We have ideas about the world- what can happen, what would never happen. And now I have to rethink everything. Our lives will never be the same. We will never be the same. But we will adjust and become our "new" self. Maybe even better than we used to be...

So tonight, we went to your favorite place in honor of you. Dutch Gap. And yes, we got lost. And yes, we knew you were laughing at us :) Silly girls walking through the forest trying to find the bridge. But at the end of the day, it didn't matter. We were together. We were sharing funny stories of you. And we felt you. There were signs everywhere. A million frogs, the birds overhead, the pink sky, the white crane, the fish jumping, and then the deer! Of course it was you. Go big or go home- that's the way you did it.

And as we're driving home, sharing more funny stories, the perfect song comes on the radio. Adele's "Someone Like You"...

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

29 Weeks

29 weeks down.... 11 to go! Hard to believe I'm already 7 months....

I wish I had access to our home computer so I could put up a comparison of my belly with Devan. The computer is currently in pieces as we are switching the office around to make room for the new nursery. But I believe that I am much bigger at this point than I was with Devan. Actually, I know I am. It's already hard to get up and down off the floor. And helping Devan on and off the potty a million times a day is very taxing. The belly is just in the way :)

She is mostly head down. I can tell because I constantly have feet in the ribs and she gets hiccups all the time.

Last night Devan kept elbowing me in the stomach and I kept telling him to be careful (OK, this isn't anything new). He just says "Sorry Mommy. Mommy OK?" But last night I took a different route. I told him there was a baby in there so he needs to be nice to the baby. And what does he do? He lifts up my shirt, puts his mouth to my belly button, and says "Hi baby. Sorry baby." Super cute!

Weight Gain: 21 lbs total. The 3 lbs I lost a couple weeks ago have been gained back, so don't you worry :P
Cravings: chocolate!! And the neighbor kids have great timing. It's middle school sale time. You know what that means.... Otis Spunkmeier cookies!!! So yes, I got suckered in to buying some cookies. But it's Nonie's kids (who Devan just went to their birthday party last weekend) and it's OTIS cookies. YUM :)
Sleep: Not so good. Well.... if you take out the fact that I'm getting up at least 2 times/night (and sometimes 3), it's not that bad....
Milestones: next week I get my results back for the glucose test (gestational diabetes). I'm not worried though :)

Update on Life

Again, more pics (some old, some new) that I can now post because we have internet.

Hurricane Irene blew through a couple weeks ago- much stronger than predicted. Aunt Pat and her 2 cats came out to hunker down and hide out from the storm (ironically, we got hit harder than her house did- she never even lost power in her neighborhood!). But, it was good to hang out with her, and Devan thoroughly enjoyed his play time with Pat-Pat (and occasionally still asks where she is).

Taylor and Sunshine taking a break from their rough housing

(Still no power as evidenced by all the cords in the top corner. Luckily, our neighbor had a generator so we used it to run the fridge and a lamp at night. But boy did we go through a lot of gas in a week without power!)
What else is there to do when you don't have power??? Go to Sweet Frog!!! :)

"I love Sweet Frog!!!!"

Sunshine has stopped her nervous pacing after a week at our house. But at this point, still chasing the cats every time she saw them (they lived on top of the kitchen cabinets for a week). She would occasionally come down and hang with us in the living room instead of laying in her crate upstairs in the dark by herself.

At the hotel in PA waiting for our neighbors to arrive so we could all go out to dinner before the funeral in the morning. Dustin was teaching Devan the difference between his train cars. He was soaking it up :)

Devan trying on his new OSU hoodie from Grammy. The best thing about daddy's birthday: he gets presents too! LOL

It has a hood so his hair won't get wet! :)

And huge pockets, which can fit 4 train cars! (Yes, he had to find out how many he could fit in the pockets)

From the other night... HUGE progress! Sunshine let Skeeter come in the same room and even sit on the couch! Hooray!!! She's adjusting nicely. Too bad we can't keep her... :(

One big happy family....

This video is from the drive up to PA. At first, Devan didn't want me to tape him singing, but he soon forgot. This is his favorite song (Katy Perry's "Friday Night"). He loves singing along and dancing and never misses yelling "Friday NIGHT!" at the top of his lungs :)

Happy Birthday Dustin

To the best daddy/hubby ever.... We made funfetti cupcakes! I used Devan's egg replacer, which made them super moist- so moist that it was really hard to eat them without a fork. But really good. And Devan had fun helping with every step. He got to mix, and make a big mess. And when I poured the batter into the cups he would say "Wow Mommy! That's funny!"

Putting the paper cups in the baking pan

Counting them to make sure it was correct :)
Ready for the oven....
Licking the bowl is the best part! Surprisingly, he only had a couple finger licking bites. He got grossed out :)

The final product!

Devan was really patient... We made daddy his cupcake and carried it to him. And even sang the Happy Birthday song! .... All before he got to eat his own....

First bite... Not too sure about it....

.... He only ate a couple bites before he said he was done. I'm so disappointed.... :)

And for daddy's present, we got him a chainsaw case. But I had to order it late so he wouldn't see it hit the credit card (which he checks daily). So I printed off his order confirmation and Devan got to color all over it and decorate it with stickers :)

Videos Galore

Now that we finally have a reliable internet connection (after a month and 2 trips out by Comcast).... I can finally post videos! Some of these are old but still good.

Enjoy!

Devan enjoying the carpet roll from when we replaced the stair carpet (jumping off was a fun game until he got hurt... big surprise):

At the Children's Museum:

I was trying to get him singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" on video, but every time I started taping he wouldn't do it....

Flubber time!

A week I will never forget....

This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. One long, neverending day. Just one big blur.

Where to start???

First with Hurricane Irene. She blew through Saturday, much stronger than they predicted. 62 mph winds and almost 6 inches of rain. We are still without power and not looking promising for today. Hopefully tomorrow??? Our house came out relatively unscathed. Some roof work needs to be done but nothing major. Other neighbors lost several trees, some which hit the house but didn't do major damage. The guys have been busy with their chainsaws. But nothing else can be done until we get power back. We were definitely unprepared to be without power for this long. The longest we've ever gone is half a day. Luckily, Aunt Pat came up to weather the storm at our house with her 2 cats. She came prepared with a lantern, great flashlights, and a crank radio. So we at least had a little light and some music :) And our neighbor Allen had a generator, so we've had our fridge plugged in the whole time.

Then came the horrific nightmare- straight from the movies. We were just heading to bed when the police came knocking on our door at 12:30 am Sunday. I still can't really talk about it. Nobody should ever have to see what we saw, and go through what we went through. I am so thankful that our neighborhood is so close. We have been leaning on each other through this unbelievable tradgedy and it's great to talk to our friends who experienced what we did and can completely understand. We don't even need to talk anymore. We can just look at each other, wipe the tears away, and give each other a hug. We will get through this together. We are strong. We will be strong for our best friend Carrie and her daughter Lauryn.

The best article so far: "Marital Strife Preceded Slayings in Chesterfield County". Just Google this article. A bunch of the others are full of mis-information.

We all process grief and loss differently. I have gone from shock, to anger, to tears, and now back to disbelief (but still the tears). I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I see the same horrible scene. I have no appetite but force myself to eat a little when it's "meal time".

I take comfort knowing that, because of Scott, she was truely happy at her time of death. And having her yellow lab Sunshine in the house is like having a little bit of Carrie left to hold on to (and Devan is so attached to Sunshine). I am not ready to let go yet. Are you ever ready???

Scott & Morgan's wake is tonight. We're all going to that. And Carrie's memorial is Wednesday in PA. We're all going to that too. Nothing yet on her mom, Barbara.

The judge makes his ruling on Lauryn's custody hearing today at 1pm.

We are all hurting and processing this differently. Please respect our wishes and give us space and time. Right now, we just need the comfort of our Stockleigh Family to get through this. We love you all.